Third entry of Lamentations

5/4/64

No journey is being made, but from this position (chair facing window looking out on a garden of pines, maples, etc., brought into intimacy by the dirt road leading to the modern school) a sight of the shifting of light and shade.

I'll leave for school about 2 —  should give me ample time — don't know what the job will do for me — in many ways a mistake to have come here — my only life is not taken into account by many — not that it should considering the world system: this form of generalization comes into prominence when you're cast in the role of a foreigner — that is, it is hard to see individuals.

I've been told that when the adjustment's over I'll feel better — this may be so, if place were the foundation of one's argument: the new fad: cartography.  

Took out my poems a while ago — if only I would make those last 3 poems: but terrible to sense few (more likely none) care that is there's no one to publish them.

Since it's going to be hard here, maybe this drivel will be hope then for me — get me through the day.  The crowds disquiet — another reason why I should continue to mark the ups and downs of my emotions: the song as said before is a kind of mirror.

5/5/64

If we could only get a more private place, then the desire to leave would lessen — they're more expensive, but it'd be worth it.

A drizzle seen etched among the pine branches — maybe it's more the gate as background that brings the rain into focus.

It is quieting to see from this window people under umbrellas walking up the road to a school — the trees to the sides dripping in the after rain — some birds flying about — and two pines as foreground.

I wish I had a desk to steady my hand — but to be here means to have something else.

5/6/64

The plurality of truth initiates our approach toward a definition of poetry — There is sunlight on the roofs — the birds sing — a hum ______ voice prevails.  I'll probably go out for a walk this afternoon — maybe take in a temple (interesting to study the walls of these temples).  In time considering the centralization of industrialism there will be a razing to the ground of religious walls (except those which are conducive toward wheedling the young toward a field of phenomenalism) —  it is true, however, they will play dumb — say their holiness resides somewhere that is devoid of Use.

Here too the struggles — but it's interesting not as evident: for instance, looking out one is less aware of the crowds, even though the views in the garden more fugal than melodic: that is the society's structured so that its mass shall not be forgotten — therefore, the tragic ache for interaction is deceptive here, too.  The temple's lanterns hidden beneath thick benches are signs to those who've wandered into a clearing that motion as a presupposition of matter shall not be resolved until the final release which is passive — the plurality of lanterns are graphic standpoints.

As before, I shall let the outside work itself in me — this may be the best way for me to learn — length of time is also a factor.

5/7/64

Another fine day — it's unfortunate that I have to go to teach — would rather have stayed at home; but tomorrow is a free day — so!

5/9/64

Still not settled — too early to jot down words concerning the compatibility between modern (?) Buddhist Japan and modern (?) Protestant Capitalism — let's (for the time being) state that the final transcendence which is in the direction of "noises" has some relation to faith without good works.

5/10/64

A very quiet day — even cool — which makes for relaxed temperament.  It doesn't seem as if I'll have many friends here — this is the most disappointing factor — however, there's no reason to blame the illusion: we wouldn't be here if there wasn't at least a modicum of discontent in me.

I expect that next week will be hell: that is, busy.  If only I could have a situation conducive toward study, then maybe some work could be done — but this is wishful thinking — the trick is in making deferential toward your height — since I can't master the business of this trick I must be content to work under a veil of inferiority.

5/12/64

There's not much reason for continuing this day-to-day walk, for now — I've come to such a certainty that all the future's a blind alley for me — I was drawn here under false pretenses.

It's clear today, but a little cool.

As I've said before, if I could only finish my book, then maybe release from tension would be the consequence.

I don't think Japan will be too helpful — that is, how can it be, when their scholars, with a nostalgic look toward ancient times, turn their energies in the direction of modern protestant thought!?

5/13/64

The solutions become less and less clear — no way out, except by continuing to let each day take care of itself — as if I could do otherwise!

Don't feel like writing — is it right for me to fill up this page — especially when there's nothing today?  Since all our arguments for nothingness are in words, how can we ever justify it as a first principle?

So far our biggest problem is the getting of an apartment — one suitable enough for 3 — such a desire does not praise the West.

No ascent possible at the time all forces are grouped under the malevolent heading of let no man go this way (which is Charity) for the rays of light are still impeded by the Wall that is societal.